Netflix Afghanistan Finally Adds "Zero Dark Thirty"

Netflix Afghanistan, now operating under Taliban executive leadership, will finally release a streaming version of Kathryn Bigelow’s acclaimed 2012 film Zero Dark Thirty. 

"We think enough time has passed since the deep national Afghani sadness over the death of one of its remarkable and uniting citizens, Osama Bin Laden,” said Netflix President Mohammad Wasiq. “Netflix, along with the movie's producers, hopes that Zero Dark Thirty can play a small but significant role in national healing and unite the nation." 

The newly-edited version to stream on Netflix Afghanistan will remove any negative references to the the Taliban and Al-Qaeda, any revealing exterior shots of Afghanistan, and has also cut out the scenes of torture. The company also added burkas in post-production to cover up any visual references to women. The killing of Osama Bin Laden was also, sadly, left on the cutting room floor.

As of press time, bootleg copies of the film were being sold in black markets around Kabul, next to bootleg versions of the pornographic films that Osama Bin Laden had with him when he was killed. 

Netflix Afghanistan is also working on a new edit of the docudrama United 93, as well as a re-working of Ken Burns’s 16-part documentary Afghanistan.

"We're ready to unleash tons of streaming options on the Afghani people," added Wasiq, "and even though 95% of our citizens don't have Internet access, we're working on that."